Resting in Ambiguity

In light of recent (non-COVID-related) challenging news that I have received, I have been thinking more and more to myself: “Man, everything is so darn ambiguous right now! I just want answers!”

 And, YES, everything today IS certainly ambiguous.

In the midst of [im!]patiently waiting for the world to return to a more predictable, more comfortable state, I found myself Googling [Shout out to Merriam-Webster and Oxford English Dictionaries] the definition of “ambiguity:”

Ambiguity (noun): 

• A word or expression that can be understood in two or more possible ways.

• Uncertainty  

• Inexactness       

I’ve read and have heard on many accounts in the past month that we are living in ‘uncertain’ times, and that is true. But the word ‘inexactness?’ THAT resonates with me. Everything feels so inexact, and I, for one, am not particularly a fan.

·      When will an effective vaccine be ready?

·      When will tests become more readily available for our community?

·      When will owners be able to re-open their restaurants, shops, and salons?

·      When will surgeries and other medical appointments, which have previously been considered quite urgent, be scheduled?

Hey, COVID!
Naomi has a message for you.

·      Are my young children noticing these changes; are they confused?

·      When will I be able to visit my relatives again?

·      Is a second wave going to come? When? How intense will it be? How can we best help mitigate the risk?

·      What will our economy look like in 2 months? 2 years? 10 years?

·      For how long will the (AMAZING! INCREDIBLE! HERO!) frontline workers be able to maintain this pace, and how do we best support them and their mental and physical health?

·      I just sneezed; could this be Coronavirus? 

The list of questions goes on and on.

Years ago, when I was feeling particularly stressed about a decision, my MUCH older and wiser husband (haha!) lovingly reminded me that part of life is learning to sit in the ambiguity. Is it comfortable? No. Would I prefer to be sure? To have clear answers? For things to be stable? Heck yes.

My sweet husband reminds me that:

1. The past is finite.
2. There are infinite possibilities of what the future may hold.
3. Today-- this current moment-- is what we have.

To stress about what may happen... to invent hypothetical scenarios in my mind... to marinate on worst-case scenarios... just is not a very healthy or helpful practice. In Luke 12:25, this question is posed: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" 

So, while I would prefer to have more answers, I will instead muster my courage and rest in the inexactness of the present day. Here is my resting-in-ambiguity quarantine to do list:

• Continue my social distancing/curve-flattening efforts with my family.
• Choose joy.

• Focus on gratitude.

• Be gentle with myself-- and with others.

• Connect with my loved ones frequently.

• Take deep, grounding breaths.

• Move my body.

• Give (and receive!) at least 11 hugs per day-- the magic number, I hear!!

• Play.

• Seek peace through prayer.

• Spread love where I am able.

• Believe that WE CAN DO THIS.

Craving Connections in a COVID World

 A friend of mine recently posted this photo of cuddling carrots grown from her garden:

A few thoughts:

I want to join you, little carrots!! 😂

These carrots long to be together; they are embracing one another in a hug. I SO love to hug my friends and family. It turns out, after 32 years, I am learning that hugging is my love language. I praise God that I have my four darlings within my home these days so that I can sneak in cuddles whenever I want. It is HARD, though, this life without hugs, high fives, and hand shakes. 

As human beings, we want and we need community and companionship. One of my loved ones states frequently that, years from now, there will be articles written on the devastating social and psychological effects of the isolation caused by COVID. Of course there will be. We are meant to be in community; we are meant to live in companionship with others. 

Still, I will not forego my responsibility to my brothers and sisters. Like you, I will socially distance and skip out on hugs. I will smile with my eyes over my mask. I will shout hello to a stranger across the street.  I will say a prayer for the driver in front of me at the stop light.  I will send my neighbors cards through their mailboxes and send videos of my daughters to their cousins and school friends. I will showcase signs of love and support from my front yard. I will graciously accept the dropped-off donuts from a dear friend, and I will run outside to say hello to a sister visiting from a nearby suburb. 

Yes, I am feeling all the feels today, as COVID has ruined yet another set of plans. COVID, how dare you. Seriously.  I had this delicious weekend in the works, and you stripped away another chance at a modified reunion with my community. In the grand scheme of things, this botched weekend is so tiny. But it is just one more thing. One more loss caused by this pandemic. I am sad, and I am missing my hugs-- and I am hopeful. 

I look to the future with hope and with optimism. With the easy parts of communing torn from us, we are creative in our ways to show our love and support.  While I am saddened by the reaction of the few, I am comforted and emboldened by the reaction of the many. We can do this together. We can do it for one another. Here's to thinking, speaking, and acting in a way that changes our world for the better.

Signing off for now. If you need me, I'll be at home, cuddling with my carrots. 

My Breastfeeding Journey

This is my breastfeeding journey:    

June was my first baby to nurse. When she was born, we danced the breastfeeding dance so gracefully. Everything was lovely. Breastfeeding, to me, was motherhood—and motherhood was breastfeeding.

As my exhaustion caught up with me around June’s eighth week, though, my postpartum depression and anxiety began rearing its ugly head, and breastfeeding was no longer graceful, no longer lovely. I stressed about every little piece of nursing. I worried about how I would find time to pump between patients. My supply had been strong, yet I now worried about how and where I would store my frozen milk. I researched every little detail to any unhealthy degree and set standards far too high. I found—and created—any reason to worry.

When a lovely friend, colleague, and fellow mama reminded me that giving formula was a perfectly viable option, I cried my eyes out. It was true. With much deliberation and support from my husband and family, I opted to allow my supply to dry up while we transitioned to giving bottles. It was a horribly scary time. I was angry, and I was so sad. While I knew something had to give to help me become whole again after the crippling weeks of anxiety, I still felt so defeated. I feared I was no longer the mother I dreamt I would be.

And then I gave the bottles.

And my beautiful daughter ate.

And she grew.

And she was happy.

And I grew.

And I was happy.

And I could relax.

And now Baby June is three. And she’s a big sister twice-over. And I have nursed two more babies. And I have fed bottles to these babies. And we are happy. And we have learned to be flexible. And we have learned to dance our own dance.

Mama & big girl, June

Nursing June in the hospital!

Nursing-- & hiking!-- Rose

Post-nurse Naomi

And we are so, so proud of who we are, where we’ve been, and where we’re going.

Own your story, give yourself (a whole HEAP of!) grace, and know that what is right for you is right for your child.

Also, June told me last night that I make her heart happy. If 8-week-old June could’ve spoken, I know she would have expressed similar sentiments. Her mama was working so hard and truly doing her best. Aren’t we all? ☺️ Keep on keepin’ on, friend. You make our hearts happy!

Fruitful Friendships: Sunrise Coffee Edition

                                                

My husband has a tradition with his guy friends of which I'm a *touch* jealous. That is to say, the girls and I should implement a similar tradition STAT.

In 2008, in their last semester of undergrad, three friends started meeting on Friday mornings at sunrise. They'd meet up at a Dunkin Donuts in downtown Milwaukee, just east of their Marquette campus, before their 9 am classes to sip coffee, chat, and check in. Over the next two years, two more friends joined as the group transitioned to the Starbucks at Red Arrow Park and then to Alterra (now Colectivo) on the Lake. My then fiance, now husband, joined the guys in 2012. Since then, these six guys have been meeting weekly at Colectivo. As girlfriends have become wives and new babies have joined the picture, these friends keep getting together. While it is not as logistically simple to meet up these days, the men continue creating time, citing that it is more important than ever to check in with one another and to keep their friendship strong. Dave, my brother-in-law, sends the group text out the evening before, noting at what time the sun will rise. Some combination of the six men then meet the next morning, joking, laughing, and touching on a wide variety of topics, including sports, work, family, loss, new births, the beloved quarterly craft beer tasting, parents, parenting, and so on. Each man buys his first cup of coffee, and then there is a rotating schedule, based on birthdays, for who buys "reefs" (refills) that morning. 

Now, I do not think I am unique in finding this tradition to be rather endearing. It is a simple routine for these gentlemen, and each week is another stitch in the tapestry of their friendship. 

What I am most touched by, though, has been watching each of these men become a father in recent years. The oldest offspring of the group, twin girls who I used to nanny every Thursday before I had my own daughters, were born in the summer of 2015-- less than 5 years ago. Shortly after their mom brought them into this world, I asked her-- the first mom of this group-- how she felt knowing that she'd be raising these two daughters. She was thrilled; she was excited to raise them into smart, independent, strong young ladies. I loved her answer. Since then, seven more babies have been born to the Sunrise Coffee dudes. And seven out of seven of those babies are also girls. A mother of two of these other little ladies often reminds me, "Who rule the world?  Girls?" 

What is also extremely fun is that the wives of the last two of these men to become fathers will give birth in the next few days and weeks, respectively. One of these wives is the sweetest friend who introduced me (and can totally take credit for that! 😜) to my husband on the soccer field in 2011, and the other is my sister. Neither couple knows if they will give birth to a son or a daughter. We are so excited to see if the reign of daughters rolls on, or if one of these couples will give birth to a sweet son.  Stay tuned! [The probability of having 9/9 daughters is roughly 0.2%... 10/10 daughters is 0.1%... 11/11 daughters is 0.05%.]

Why do I feel compelled to write this post? Well, I guess it is just that I feel so proud to have these six men accompanying us six wives on our parenthood journey. [And I know these dudes are proud to be our companions!] You better believe that the dads are facilitating the adventurous spirits of these fiery little ladies. These Sunrise Coffee men have transformed into incredible partners and fathers over the last decade+. Men that we are so proud to know, love, and cherish. The nine daughters (and two yet-to-be-earthside babes!) are all enamored by their loving dads. And while our respective husbands are far from perfect 😉, the other wives and I are well aware that we-- and our daughters-- are blessed to be on this journey of life together with them.

*Additional notes: 1. The guys have not physically met for coffee since March of 2020 due to the COVID-19 craziness. 2. A few other brothers and friends have joined the Sunrise Coffee group in the last 18 months so, truthfully, there are now some amazing little sons in the group. :)

                                                   

A Timely Analogy

My husband and I, along with our three baby girls under 4, are driving home from a week of a quarantine stay-cation at my parents’ cottage. We’re two hours in, and the 8-hour drive is already feeling long, no doubt. 102-day-old Naomi is wailing. Two-year-old Rose was just awakened by screams from her big sister, June, that she wants to play hide and seek. 

I get it. The drive is long. We’re all bored. We’re all tired. We want a change of scenery. We’re not feeling our best selves.

Among Rose’s new favorite activity of high-pitched yelping, June screams, “Get me out of the car seat so I can hide!!” I, the wise mother, calmly explain to her that she needs to stay in her car seat. She’s safest in her car seat.

June protests, “But I can’t play!!!!”

“Right, darling,” I say. “It’s a long and hard drive, but it’s not forever. You will be able to get out of your car seat once we pull over to have a car picnic. We’ll have to be creative about playing a quick game then.”

June says, “But I want to sit up there and drive with you then!!” Calmly, Dad responds, “We know you do, sweetie. We wish we could be by you, too, but it is safest for you to stay in your car seat. If you sat up here and played with the steering wheel, we could risk getting in an accident and hurting ourselves or others. You’ll be able to come out of your car seat soon enough.”

June sits back and starts to cry. She’s tired. She’s sad. She’s frustrated. She wants to get out of her car seat. Frankly, it feels that it would be easier to let her out at times. It certainly would be easier to pull the baby out to nurse while we travel. But we are the parents, and we know that the girls need to be buckled in for the long drive. The car seats will keep everyone safer. 

“Here, baby. How about you girls look through some books instead? You can choose Silly Sally, Brown Bear, Fruit, or Bear in my Chair. Which would you like?”

The girls each choose a book, and we continue on in a bit more of a peaceful state. They will be okay. Our situation is not perfect, but we’re all cooperating and working together as a team. When we work together, the long car ride is more bearable. We have to be creative, and we can’t always do our normal favorite activities, but we are safe. And we are together. 

The car seat is a means to getting to our end, our home, more quickly and more safely.

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.

.

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Now, imagine that the car ride is COVID-19. The car seat represents wearing a mask, washing hands, and keeping distance. The hide and seek game represents eating at restaurants, hugging friends, going to the gym, rocking out at concerts. The books represent going on walks and hikes, eating family meals, coming up with new routines. My husband and I are the CDC and other experts in infectious disease, specifically trained in guiding others through this difficult scenario. Our home represents the end of COVID-19, ceaseless fear, social distancing, homeschooling while working from home, and missing our loved ones. 

If my 3-year-old can stay in her car seat during the trip— oh, and wear a mask in public spaces— then certainly you can wear a mask. The quicker we learn to work together for the goodness of humanity, the more quickly we will conquer COVID-19.

Infant Equipment

Our rockstar Godmama to our little Mamie is pregnant with her first precious bundle and just reached out for clarification on my thoughts on infant equipment. Infant equipment would include any type of "container" (a harsh word, but pretty accurate!) in which you can place your babe to rest, including swings, bouncy seats, car seats, etc. I sent her a response and thought it might be helpful to share with other new mama friends, too. 

Hey, pandemic! This COVID baby has a message for you.

Let me start by saying that: 

• My girls do spend (or have spent) some time in baby "containers."
• I will occasionally let the girls take (supervised!) naps in the containers when they fall asleep. 
• The containers do help a mama's sanity, which is not to be disregarded.
• As new parents in this age, we are inundated with baby equipment options that are (sometimes!) somewhat affordable and are advertised as necessary for a happy baby and/or good sleeper.
• You are very much still a wonderful parent if you use baby equipment often.

Mamie love kicking back in her bouncer

Having said that, I will also say that I am not a big fan of leaving baby in the car seat or bouncer/swing for too long-- and especially not during naps. Why?

1. Increased risk of torticollis, which is a condition in which baby has asymmetrical neck muscle tightness. When a baby is super young (typically under 2-3 months), they can't hold their head up in the straight, or midline, position on that reclined surface. Instead, their head will tilt (ear to shoulder) to the side. This is especially true when the baby is sleeping-- and then, really at any age that they would be in the baby equipment.  If the baby has an asymmetry to begin with, it will be accentuated if they spend more time in the car seat, swing, bouncy seat, etc, as the head tilting will further cause tightness in the neck muscles on that side. I often treat babies with torticollis, and a big piece of my treatment is education in transitioning the babies out of these types of baby equipment.

2. Increased risk of-- and/or worsening of-- flatness on the head. If baby has a neck turning preference at all, and if they fall asleep in a container, they inevitable start to form a flat spot on the back of their head. Staying in that equpiment makes it worse, as it's harder to inadvertently roll off of the flat spot.

 

3. Limited spontaneous movement. This is sort of a hard one to describe. Basically, though, in a container, babies are not able to move much. On a flat surface and even in some carrying positions, babies have many more opportunities for movement-- and even at a very young age. For example, parents often note that their tiny baby (2-3 months old) will wiggle all over the crib at night! In my opinion, it's good to let the baby have their freedom to move, even if it awakens them in the beginning.

4. Keeping a babe in a container reduces the chance for Tummy Time, and Tummy Time is THE BEST THING. I have heard that an expert pediatric practitioner calls Tummy Time the academics of infancy, and I agree!  I know, I know, I know. Let me guess? Your baby hates Tummy Time. At a young age, every baby hates it after a few minutes. It is a fact that babies often are not fans for long periods of time, but if you start from day one (or start today! It's not too late!!), it is much more palatable for the babe. There are also many strategies for improving even the youngest baby's Tummy Time tolerance. [Stay tuned for a separate blog post!]

Tummy Time help from the biggest babe!
(Supervised, of course!)

In an ideal world, your babe would tolerate 60-90 minutes (or more!) of Tummy Time per day by 4 months of age. I do not mean all at one time, and Tummy Time does not only have to happen down on the floor. Your baby can also do Tummy Time on your chest, across your lap, in your arms, over a ball, face-to-face, etc-- stay tuned for another post). Also in an ideal world, your babe would spend only 20-30 minutes, 3-4 times per day in any type of baby equipment. This is just an ideal world, though, and the ideal is certainly not always met in my house! 

*I should add that a baby wrap/carrier IS great for your baby, as long as the baby has good alignment while inside the carrier. With a baby carrier, you want to be so certain that the baby is always positioned to allow proper breathing, leg alignment, and, of course, safety as you move about. If you need to bend down while wearing your babe, 100% bend with your legs! And if your baby has any neck tightness/asymmetry, try to sometimes position them with their head sometimes turned to the right and sometimes turned to the left.*  

Other alternatives to having your babe spend lots of time in equipment is placing the babe on a blanket on the floor, or if you’re worried about a dog or sibling running too close to resting babe, in a pack n play or a similar playpen. 

Again, just my two cents, but I am confident that this opinion is shared by many in my field. And I DO put my babes in bouncy seats and other equipment every once in a while. We also take long (6-8 hour) car trips to Ohio and Michigan often, so the teeny babes sleep for prolonged periods in their car seats then. Feel free to take or leave this advice on baby equipment. You are a rockstar mama.

Do your best, get your rest, and enjoy those baby snuggles!

Fall, 2018 apple orchard trip with the Junie and Rose.